I don’t mean to keep banging on about the lock-up policies at Safeway (and other SF stores, namely the Castro Street Walgreen’s), but in news that celebrates the timeless complacency of the American suburb: the Menlo Park Safeway does not lock up its toothbrushes. You can go in day or night and choose a toothbrush based on its color, bristle configuration, softness, size, and price. You do not need to summon the toothbrush warden and try to select your toothbrush quickly while he taps his foot in a way that makes you feel like he’d otherwise be fighting crime or saving the world. You can stand there forever if you wish. You can pick up every toothbrush and weigh each in your hand to see how it will balance. You can choose a color that will complement your skin tone. It will be a delight.
And then you can go over to the liquor department and join the Stanford sorority girls in Uggs and gym shorts filling up their shopping carts with vodka and chardonnay. And you can fill up your cart with vodka and chardonnay, and you can tool around the supermarket for a while—soup aisle, meat (so to speak), even back to toothbrushes, where you can rethink your decision and choose green instead—without being followed by a security guard.
When you get to the checkout counter, the checker doesn’t have to remove the large plastic security lock from the tops of your vodka bottles because there aren’t any. She also knows the scan code for cilantro and can tell it’s not Italian parsley.
Then, get this: when you go to your car you do not have to figure out which bag has the most valuable stuff in it and put that one in the car first, because you never know if someone is going to run up and steal your bags out of your cart while you’re moving shit around in the back of your car to make room for all that chardonnay and cilantro. Which has never happened, but based on the kinds of conversation overheard in the Church Street Safeway lot—“You touch my shit and I’ll rip your eyes out.” “I don’t want your shit, man, I’m heading back to Bakersfield.” (Shit being a drenched sleeping bag and a stroller filled with crushed cans.)—you’re probably right to put the vodka in first.
On the other hand, "Identity theft is one of the fastest-growing crimes in the nation—especially in the suburbs." – Melissa Bean
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