That's Empress to You

Hilary Rosen did choose the wrong words. Saying that Ann Romney "never worked a day in her life," is inaccurate, because blah-blah-blah we all know raising children is hard. As is sucking up to your bland yet odious, satanically unprincipled asshole husband. Should he be one. I'm not naming names. And I'm not even going to mention the undoubtedly soul-destroying unzipping kind of duty-thing that has to have gone on in the Romney household to produce those five future flesh-eaters business leaders.

But it's also inaccurate because I think what she meant to say was that Ann Romney never had to raise children the way a lot of women do, whether they're stay-at-home-mothers or not, which is deciding whether to pay the water bill or the PG&E bill, or worrying how the hell she's going to pay for the field trip everyone's so excited about.

I am sure Ann Romney is a nice person, and I know she must break a sweat glow when she has to coordinate the help's days off. Or when she has to come up with new scary threats to make her grandchildren wear those matching clothes they wear for every photo shoot.

But really, here's the last word on the Missus Romney dust-up, from the incomparable Jenny Lawson.

Next innovation in travel: Passenger-free Airlines!

So Malaysia Airlines is offering kid-free air travel. Apparently sensitive adults “...value their peace and quiet and [this way] can rest assured that they won't be disturbed by kids on long-haul flights.”

Disturbed by kids? What we need is an adult-free zone. I'd much rather fly with a bunch of children, even if they do occasionally cry, or kick the back of your seat. All you have to do is ask them, wearing that special smile, to please be quiet. You almost never even have to say, "or I will stuff your head into the seat pocket in front of you."

I bet anything you've never flown with kids who take up half your (center) seat with their 400-lb. girth. Or who spend two hours cackling over Adam Sandler's latest shenanigans. Or engage in a coast-to-coast monologue about their cousin Mary the dietician who loves living in Seattle, except for the rain, so she's thinking about moving down to the Orange County area,which everyone says is so pleasant, what with the beaches and the weather and all. Or who, the minute the electronics hold is lifted, pulls down a Dell and a stack of papers and officiously clacks away at a spreadsheet showing landfill usage over a four year period, glowering at you when, after your, okay whatever, third gin and tonic, you need to get up to go to the bathroom so he has to gather together his reams of important data about discarded appliances and let you climb over his Docker-clad knees. Or who make the flight attendant tell them exactly what kinds of nuts are in the nut medley that's included in the snack box they might purchase.

Anyway, I've observed that the only obnoxious kids on planes are the ones flying with adults.

 

 

Department of: Shield Their Eyes, They're only 17

Because high school students get really really upset about things like this, and it would never occur to them to walk away from someone who's got his his pants hanging open. But the best part is, "Write down or capture descriptive features to share with the police."

Dear [Name of High School] Parents and Guardians,

I am writing to let you know about an upsetting incident that happened earlier this week. Some of our students were at Café [blank] on [blank] Street when a man walked into the café with his genitals exposed. He asked our students for directions and left the café. When we found out about this incident, we filed a police report and our students were interviewed by an officer. We wanted to inform you of what happened, as well as our response, so that you know how seriously we take this incident and can speak with your child about how to handle anything like this in the future. After talking with the officer yesterday, he wanted our students to know what to do if something similar occurs again: 

• Report the incident immediately to the local police or to an adult who can call the police with you
• Write down or capture descriptive features to share with the police
• Do not engage with the predator
• If you are alone, walk away or find other people to be with and tell an adult (parent or teacher) immediately

Such situations are very upsetting and we want the community to feel equipped with information and ways of responding should something like this happen again. We will have an officer come to an All-School Meeting after the February Break to speak with our students about the recommendations above, and so they can get the chance to see our local officers as allies.  

I'm sorry to share this news on the eve of our February break. I hope you can take some time next week to relax with your family.

Warm regards,

[Name of Head of School]

Head of School

[blank] High School